one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
So squirting runs in the family.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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