Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
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