I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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