i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
