my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Randomize
