I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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