I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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