people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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