i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Randomize
