so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize