I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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