i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
