i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
