I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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