cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
