There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
