Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
