You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
