Can i not drive my cunt home
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
