i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
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