Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Randomize
