how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize