what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
