Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
