You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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