I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
time to smoke my breakfast
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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