he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
