can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
