We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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