True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize
