a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Randomize
