I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Randomize
