After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
