Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Come share oat with me in your robe
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
