Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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