Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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