I'd wear matching sweaters with you
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
It's blow job season.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
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