saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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