I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
