giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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