Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Randomize
