do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
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