is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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