I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
