He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Randomize
