haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
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