I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Randomize
