i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Your penis caused this!
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
