did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize