I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
