No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
