Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
