Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
