ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
