The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Randomize
