I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
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