got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
