So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
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