So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
