Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
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