she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Randomize
