I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
