i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Dignity is for republicans.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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