I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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