I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Randomize
