he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
