how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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