I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
