This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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